My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
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Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
moms in horror movies
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.