The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
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[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.