[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
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Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*