You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
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Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
#Caturday
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…