STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
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Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”