I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
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My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
How all things should be taught/explained.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
🤔😂😂
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.