Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
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You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.