*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
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Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Haha! 😂
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York