[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
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Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!