My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
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*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
My kitchen overserved me.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
new year update: losing everything but weight
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!