I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Me: Miller Light
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
me: my friends:
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.