I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
BRO LMFAO
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos