INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
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I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Yes, but it was never about money
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”