I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
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Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?