uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
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It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre