This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
You Might Also Like
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
this is the news I live for
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June