Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
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ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.