[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
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Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over