I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
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One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
absolutely not
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
You can’t outrun your problems…
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.