The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
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If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Why font matters.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”