Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
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I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.