Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
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Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that