[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
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If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.