I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
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Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.