[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
You Might Also Like
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.