I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
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Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
opening twitter today
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.