me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
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My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat