Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
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He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
That’s not how days work.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch