*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
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“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
channeling her this year
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.