Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
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Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.