I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
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The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
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