I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
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“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u