Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
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boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.