Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
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Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Legend 🤣🤣
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer