Legend 馃ぃ馃ぃ
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back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother鈥檚 Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
[Slaps string cheese out stranger鈥檚 hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
It鈥檚 like the world is being written by a third grader now.
鈥淭hen the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
person walking by my house:
my dog: I鈥檝e killed people for less
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
It鈥檚 fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I鈥檇 never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there鈥檚 more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I can鈥檛 help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I just found out Canada isn鈥檛 real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we鈥檙e fighting
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that鈥檚 not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.