Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
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I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
When you let grandma cat sit
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR