Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
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Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Yes, this is exactly right
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
how to have an accident 101
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed