“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
You Might Also Like
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Chicago sounds lovely.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?