Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
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my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
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Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right