Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
You Might Also Like
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Cause of death: Zumba
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.