GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
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Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me