What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
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me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Bootstraps
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
the #horror is real!
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling