Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
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ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.