I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
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Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Science memes
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.