I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
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I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
#DesignFail
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
This pepper has seen some shit
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
favorite tropes as memes
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.