@TheCatWhisprer

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

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@EricaWhoToYou

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

@Lisabug74

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

@NourHadidi

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

@david8hughes

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

@haveigotnews

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

@OyVeyLady

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

@greenteam15

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history