They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
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My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.