I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
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A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
You are what you delete.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife