My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
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Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.