[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
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My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.