I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
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People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Nose
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.