I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
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[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Huge, if true.
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I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?