How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
You Might Also Like
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts