Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
You Might Also Like
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.